me maudlin
I’m actually a bit maudlin right now. Maybe a lot. Nothing seems to go okay these days.
I am so uninspired to write. There’s no progress at all with any of my fanfic or any of my projects. And even worse, I feel so uninspired to talk. Not with anyone. I’d just smile and wave at people if I could. Even if I wanted to talk, I’d take too long convincing myself that it is worth the effort.
Reading has always been a good way through this. Just got quite a lot of books but none could really give me comfort like before. I spent 2 hrs plus yesterday looking for ‘the’ book that will lift me but I did not find it (but I bought 3 books).
I feel even worse when I think that I’d be leaving people I know for my prac. 3 months away is surely something. I’ve never been really good with keeping in touch and I;m going to miss my friends sorely. I’m not that good with new people either so I don’t know if I’ll get along well with whoever it is that’s going to be my new housemate/roommate etc.
When I think about the Raub thingy that we went to, I feel even worse because the people I’m going to meet during prac are going to be like that. That’s your ordinary everyday Malaysian society. Everywhere there’s ritual and code of behaviour to be observed. And then there’s the exchange of useless empty pleasantries. Honestly, if this is the ordinary everyday Malaysian society than why the hell did I not meet them before I’m this old. I have always inwardly cringed when these exchanges happen, thinking how odd they are and how so unnecessary. The way it happened has always been in a situation where my friends and I are in a new place, meeting people we knew we’d never meet again. I’d always let my friends do the talking and I’d just smile what I hope to be a polite smile. And then I’d think…no I never really think beyond that. Maybe that’s what people do when we meet new people.
Maybe I have been sheltered far too long. When I was a child, I have always prided myself in being able to listen in on adults’ conversation without seeming like I am. And then I’d gleefully laugh about the tit bits of information that I got. I’ve always learned about things that other people my age does not know. I’d just tune off everything else like when the adults are talking about whether they had had breakfast, or tried this new restaurant, or talking about where theire sons go to school and all trivial things. Recently, I’ve noticed the conversations that my mom had with people around her and also my friends’ conversation. The ‘trivial’ things turn out to be the important ones, not the ‘important’ things that I was so delighted to listen to.
So, in the ordinary everyday Malaysian society empty pleasantries and meaningless exchanges are important.
I know that is true but I still have not made peace with that truth. I did try enchanging pleasantries with people but I’ve always felt like a fraud. And I feel bad about thinking that maybe people will feel bad because they’d see the fakeness of my overly bright smile. I believe that there must be a purpose of why we talk with people but then considering the truth that I’ve just learned, apparently I am wrong. I thought I’d feel better after writing it away but right now I’m feeling equally miserable as before I started.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)my wedding plans
Tagged by Emy again.
1. How old are you?
the age when you start losing muscle mass, experience sudden weight gain and starting to think about anti age products….good ol 23
2. Are you single?
hahaha…yup
3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
i like to predict people’s future but i have the curse that all seers have….i can’t see my OWN future
4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
not applicable
5. If not, who do you want to marry?
ooo…we all know who
6. Who will be your bridesmaid or your bestman?
not sure….
7. Do you want a garden/ beach or traditional wedding?
garden!
8. Where do you plan to go for honeymoon?
somewhere with mountains
9. How many guest do you think you’ll invite?
not many…i don’t like crowds
10. Will that include your exes?
not applicable
11. How many layers of cake do you want?
the standard 3 kot….the bottom one for the guests…the top 2 for me! (n my partner of course)
12. When do you want to get married? Morning or evening?
evening…..so majlis cepat abis
13. Name the song/tune you would like to play at your wedding?
Te extrano by xtreme. N then some mo bachata and merengue songs.
14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon/fork/ knife?
normal things i guess
Champagne of red wine?
apple cider
16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
right after i think
17. Money or household items?
Both!
18. How many kids would you like to have?
at most 3 kids, but if i can get a set of twins (1 girl 1 boy) that’s even better. and they’ll just have ONE name
19. Will your record your honeymoon in DVD and CD?
not sure…i don’t really know
20. I want to know their wedding plan,
-Salina
-Sahara
- Irwan
-Encah
- Nuar
-all my friends
-anyone else interested?
tags | Comments (3)of female authors
Usually, I would not read books by female author because I just don’t like the way they write. I’ve been avoiding female authors for such a long time and I think it’s the right time for me to start reading female authors’ work in the spirit of sisterhood. If we ladies don’t support each other, who will?
Little Black Dress series (modern romance)
So, I began with really thin books that my sister has. She’s a fan of the Little Black Dress series which I think makes very light reading. If you are familiar with Mills and Boon books then maybe you will like thies series. If, like me, the first thing you think when you hear Mills and Boon is ‘yuck!’, I’d say give these books a chance. Read one or two of the Little Black Dress series before you say anything. They come up with 2 or 3 books a month and it shouldn’t be too hard to find at your bookstore.
What can I say about these books? If you are not a big fan of reading, then these books are for you. I could finish them in one sitting and the narration mostly depends on dialogue. They’re small and light and they can fit easily into my handbag. I’d recommend them for travelling or toilet reading. But be warned some of them are really really explicit so if you’re not comfortable with explicit stuff you should be careful when you take your pick. Just browse through the book first before you get it. Another plus for the Little Black Dress series is that their books have very attractive covers. I think I could be getting them just so I can decorate my bookshelf.
I’d recommend books by Julie Cohen 
MaryJanice Davidson
She is an exception. She is one of the female authors that I can tolerate and even like, before I consciously decide to read female authors’ works. I love her Undead series and I’m planning to get a complete collection of her works (like I did with Matthew Reilly’s).
The primary reason why I like her is because she writes under the supernatural genre. In the Undead series, her main character is actually a vampire queen and she met lots of interesting characters along the way.
Of more serious books
I read Tracy Chevalier’s Burning Bright and I found that I like it. I was looking for a book by female author but couldn’t really decide so I took this book because she wrote Burning Bright using William Blake as the background for her story.
Burning Bright is actually an historical novel, but without focusing on the history itself. The story itselfhas classic themes about rites of passage, loss of innocence etc… but the author had made extensive research so the historical background is as accurate as possible. I like William Blake and it’s interesting to see how William Blake is portrayed as one of the characters. But it’s not all about William Blake and I promise that it’s not dry or anything like that. FYI, Tracy Chevalier also wrote Girl with a Pearl Earring.
If you are someone who’s very interested with the English culture (not sure if I’m using the right term here) then you will like this book. It oozes with essence of the English society of old and it also gives us insight on the British society of more recent times. The author was born American but she’s now living in Britain so I guess she has the same fascination and you can tell from the overall admiring tone.
A classic
I wasn’t sure whether I’d like to include this but I’ve just finished reading an omnibus, The Diaries of Jane Somers.
It’s one of those books that made me want to throw it out of the window, cry and bang my head against the table. It is also humbling and it also has a calming and pacifying effect. Weird isn’t it?
The book deserves an entry for itself, so maybe in a few days (or weeks) time I’ll come up with one. What I want to say is, this book is a book that EVERY woman/female/lady/girl should read. And maybe every human being should read it too.
I still haven’t figured out the words to explain what I feel or think about this book. I’m very much overwhelmed by it. Maybe someday I’ll be able to write about it.
FYI, this book is written by Doris Lessing and she’s the receiver of the Nobel Price for Literature 2007.
Books | Comment (1)emy tagged me :-)
Something i got from emy……
1. Were you named after anyone?
No. *sigh* my name is too long
2. When was the last time you cried?
i don’t remember. i try not too cry too much.
3. Do you like your handwriting?
not really. i’m always wishing it’d be a bit neater
4. What is your favourite lunch meat?
no favourites
5. Do you have kids?
i’m thinking of adopting some
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
not sure la. i’m not so friendly so maybe i wouldn’t be friends with me.
7. Do you use sarcarsm?
almost all the time but i keep it to myself.
8. Do you still have your tonsils?
yup
9. Would you bungee jump?
sure
10. What’s your favourite cereal?
i like lots of cereal….my top 2 are fruity loops and coco pops
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
just my running shoes…not the other one
12. What is your favourite ice-cream?
mint with chocolate rice…and chocolate
13. What is the first thing you notice about people?
hahaha….ok la….i’ll say…..for men i’ll tengok their ass first and for women i haven’t seen the pattern yet
14. RED or PINK?
cheh….i dunno. both are equally too bright for my eyes. maybe red
15. What is your least favourite thing about yourself?
lots of things but maybe the one thing i hate most is i’m a bit slow a.k.a lembab or lampi…whatever you want to call it
16. Who do you miss the most?
my mom, my sisters, i wish i could stay at home all the time but…..
17. Do you want everyone to complete this list?
sure.
18. What colour of pants and shoes are you wearing?
dark brown pants and i’m bare footed right now
19. What are you listening to right now?
nothing
20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
brown i guess or spring green….GREEN
21. Favourite smell?
baby smell
22. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my sister
23. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yeah! She’s my roommate now and used to be my cleaning partner in oz.
24. Favourite sports to watch?
hmm….not sure…i never seek to watch sports…but maybe sports with lots of aggression coz i like to see all those jocks smashing into each other and damaging their brains
25. Hair colour?
black i think…but in school the juniors used to spread rumors that i colored my hair…so i think it’s UNHEALTHY BLACK
26. Eye colour?
Total Black.
27. Do you wear contacts?
nope. i don’t like the thought of putting things into my body
28. Favourite food?
no favourites
29. Scary movies or Happy endings?
i don’t really like scary movies. but i like action movies…so i guess happen endings is the answer
30. Last movie you watched?
i don’t remember. it’s been so long….i need to go to GSC a.s.a.p!
31. What colour of shirt are you wearing?
my light blue QUT shirt
32. Summer or winter?
winter….i’d rather freeze to death than be burned alive
33. Hugs or kisses?
hmm….not sure
34. Favourite dessert?
no favourites
35. What book are you reading?
none atm…..that’s why i’m a bit crazy right now…n e e d b o o k s…
36. What did you watch on TV last night?
no TV
37. Favourite sound(s)?
the sound of water falling….especially the sound of a waterfall
38. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
neither
39. Where is the furtherst you have been from home?
hehe….somewhere in europe…not sure
40. Do you have special talent?
no talent. i’m a jill
41. Where were you born?
queen elizabeth hospital, kk
42. Whose answers are you looking forward to getting back?
Salina, Irwan, Sahara, Fauzi, Poni, Iqa, Tam Chacha
a spot of bother *not the book*
Instead of lounging on the bed, the clicking sound of a pen scratching a paper is more comforting. Instead of seeing the face of my beloved, the innocence of childhood hopes, fears and dreams is more comforting. Instead of hearing his laugh, breath and that sound he made when he clears his throat, the soft even tone of my sage mentor is more soothing. Instead of the love that burns and passion that flickers, the steady embers have more warmth, and it does not burn.
In his beady black eyes, a swim in petroleum sea, rich yet suffocating. In the clear eyes of youth, a spark of brilliance lie comforting, soothing and familiar. If we are the heavenly bodies, then he is the hot sun whose brilliance made me shut my eyes, the children soft fluffy cloud on a beautiful day, carrying me, comforting me, letting me see the beauty of the world.
In the brilliance of the sun is white hot blindness. It is easier to lead young souls in the valley of shadows, easier to master the craft to walk in darkness. A single heart and a million minds, a human and humanity, flesh and blood and the transparent soul. In between like a candle lit, toss and thrash in a blazing fire or stay in the warmth of my old humble hearth,
Uncategorized | Comment (0)merging passion and the ordinary
Night and Day by Virginia Woolf
- Night and day
- Old and modern
- Male and female
- Wit and ……..?
- Strength and weakness
- Trust and doubt
- To hurt and to be hurt
- To hurt and to be compassionate
- The self and mental construct of the self
- ‘Reality’ and the perceived reality
- Legacy and material wealth
- Intellect and material wealth
- The heart and the mind
- The right and the wrong
- Principle and desire
- The environment and the mindscape
- Active and inactive
- Pride and shame
- Individual and the society
- Love for the self and love for others
- Comedy and tragedy
- The industry and the pastoral
- The urban city and the great outdoor
- The practical and the romantic
- Desire and the supposed desire
I’m not really fond of female authors but I really enjoyed reading Night and Day. It’s interesting and I’d recommend it to everyone.
Books | Comment (0)manipulative me
Last year, I did an experiement. It is a real life experiment, done in association with one of my close friends. And in this experiment, our hypothesis has been proven correct.
Looking back on it, I might be a bit cruel and heartless doing that. However, the experiment is only privy to certain people whose lives are directly involved. And the result is also known by those few people.
It is an experiment involving our mutual acquaintance and recalling the precision and thought put into designing the experiment, I think I have a bit of a cold blooded tendency (I’ve been accused of something almost similar to this before, so it’s not a surprise). I also think I can be an effective manipulator like the ones you see in soap operas.
Back to the experiment. It all started during a very boring train ride. We were laughing and talking about the usual stuff. This friend and I are wary of the subject of the experiment.
Generally, I’m almost always oblivious to my surroundings. I wouldn’t know what people talk about, the conflicts between people and even sometimes things that happen within my circle. I wouldn’t ask unless people actively tell me what’s going on (I’m sorry to my friends if I seem uncaring, but I respect your privacy).However, the subject of the experiment had been on my radar or my list of things to be wary of for quite some time.
Reflecting on our experiences with the subject of an experiment, we tried to find an explanation for what is happening. We might not be able to actually uncover the reason for the things that happened or the things that the subject of the experiment did but we made guesses as to what would actually happen if we stay in the same vicinity as the subject.
Then as a joke, I suggested the experiment. It’s tiring to talk about emotionally draining things and everything about the subject have long been accepted as something natural like night and day. The thing’s that’s left is tolerating it and laughing at all the ridiculous thing that has happened. So, this experiment is only suggested as a joke, a ‘what if’ situation and it gave us lots of laugh.
We came up with a hypothesis. And then carefully considering all the variables, we set the experiment in motion.
We estimated that we’d get the result within 1 month. Surprise, surprise! We got it in only 2 weeks. Or was it 3 weeks?
I feel that it is quite unethical but I did not wish that I didn’t do it. Our earlier hypothesis has been proven correct. We had a good laugh and also strengthen our resolve to keep our distance and not be involved with the said subject.
After a year, I no longer care about the subject. However, recently I found out about what the subject has done even after I’ve quietly cut ties with them. There was no fuss, conflict or anything dramatic happening when I cut ties with them but I guess it isn’t a clean break as I thought it was.
I’m just outraged because I found out about something the subject did. I’d definitely do something but I do not know yet if I’d go through with it. Time will tell.
It is hard, reining in the part of yourself that wants to do destructive things. The experiment is one of those things but the lessons I learned I think is worth a lot more than the regret of embracing my manipulative side.
On a more positive note, this is also one of the ways of being scientific. I’m applying what I learn in school into my real life. Finally, the 2 years spent designing, conducting and reporting experiments is finally useful. The experiement is a private joke now but the lesson is definitely something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Iranun Language: 3 basic (instructions?)
I’m going to put the three basic words that I know. I know these words because Inak always use them to sort of give instructions. I hear this every day and every night if Inak is around.So naturally, these are the Iranun words I know best.
Paiguk kanu- Go take your bath. Paiguk is bathe/a bath.
Paginem kanu- Have a drink. Paginem is drink (the verb I think, not the noun). Usually Inak will say this as soon as I wake up in the morning and I think it can be used when you invite (or in Inak’s case, orders) you to have breakfast or tea.
Kuman tanu- Do eat. For this one, I’m not actually sure if kuman is eat. But this is what Inak would say when she invites (or asks, or orders) me to have my lunch and dinner. This is also the thing I hear when we visit an Iranun household and they invite us to join them for lunch or dinner.
So, these are the 3 Iranun phrase that I’ve always known.
*almost all the e sound in Iranun is the schwa.
**I’m only writing this from my experience. I know I don’t have the best hearing or memory so if anyone found any mistake in either spelling or meaning, please tell me so I can correct them.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)an idea
During the CNY holidays, I went back to KK and attended the first AGM of PKeDA. PKeDA is the Persatuan Keluarga Datu Alang and I’ll write more about PKeDA some time later in the future.
For the moment, I’d just tell you a bit about the purpose of having PKeDA. The first one is to maintain family realtionship and unity. The second one is for cultural reasons.
The meeting was at my aunt’s and I met a lot of Datu Alang’s kin (my family) and I try my best to know each and everyone of them. One thing I noticed was the effort to teach the younger generation the Iranun language. I myself only knew a few words but the few days I spent there I tried to learn a few words.
Since I’m here and they are over there, my cousin and I came up with an idea. He’s also learning so I told him to put new words that he learned in his blog. ANd then I’d copy them into mine and at the same time I can also learn. I’ll put it up here so my sisters can also learn. At least there’d be some Iranun “literature” or something of the like here.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Tabula rasa
Tabula rasa
Blank slate. New born babies are like blank slates, waiting for their personality to be carved. As they come into this world, their fate would be decided. And their personality would be colored. Would be. As they grow older, some will realise the most precious thing that they have. It is their mind. Their bodies are theirs but even the body could be conquered. The mind is something that could never be taken away.
Powerlessness
However, not many realize the significance of this. Many would let the currents of fate sweep them away. Many would let the torrents of life and time drown them. We exist in a web or a chain, constantly interacting with one another. Existing in dynamics of power and influence, it is a game we need to play. To navigate the hard waters of life, the dynamics of human relationship needs to be understood. To understand it, one must first learn to see it. Powerlessness is inevitable.
Civilisation and the poor
Civilisation is built on material basis. A lot would argue that no, even the poor can be civilised. A lot would say that the even the poor can be good. Lack of material things does not imply the nonexistance of civilisation. And then, the question of what civilisation would crop up, effectively killing the argument of whether the poor can be civilised. Then an argument about what or who the poor really are would come up too. Arguing the semantics will take the discussion on civilisation off track. Let’s just define the poor as people lacking in material things.
Abundance of wealth
Let’s use an extreme example. Take a child born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Assuming the parents will indulge the child wih material possession, lavish him with love and attention. He is also taught to live in an orderly manner, to organise his life and time and to be responsible. He is taught to be gracious and courteous. He has enough of everything. He does not need to worry about the next meal. He does not need to worry about getting candies whenever he wants them. His parents could get it for him any time, so long he fulfils his responsibilities. He knows of the reward waiting for him at the end of the journey. He knows he can get it if he puts his mind and effort into it. The abundance of wealth, the belief that there is always enough for everyone, the belief that he can get what he wants if he works hard and play it right. Because of this belief, the child could afford to encourage others who are working towards the same goal as him. He could afford to be kind, generous and courteous. He can also afford to share because he had felt ownership.
Deficiency mentalityOn the other extreme, it does not matter whether this child is born with a silver spoon or a wooden laddle in his mouth. This child has never been taught graciousness and has always been goaded to get more. Not only that, this child has also been watching other children and has been learning to envy other children. If this child is indeed lacking in material things and has no lesson in gracioussness and courtesy, then he is well set to become an uncivilised adult. Nothing is ever enough. This child will push and shove to be the first in line to get into the canteen. He knows that there is enough food for everyone but just in case, the canteen ran out of food to sell. He’ll charge at the buffet table, to be ahead of everyone else. It’s a buffet table, can be traslated as a bottomless source of food. His deficiency mentality will drive him to resort to force and his personality will be coloured with aggressiveness. This is the making of an uncivilised person. The deficiency mentality is indeed a threat to civilised behaviour in a human being.
Back to tabula rasa….
Abundance of wealth, civilisation, the deficiency mentality all points to the tabula rasa concept of coloring a child’s personality or engraving fate and destiny. Humans exist on the continuum of the abundance of wealth mentality and the deficiency mentality. A civilised or uncivilised person can indeed point a finger to the tabula rasa concept and the reasons for the coloring on their personalities. It is how we are taught to be, to exist and our slates have been painted. It is pure powerlessness because they are accepting defeat to the the things that colour and contours the shapes on their slates. This is powerlessness.
Powerlessness, freedom and power
The crown jewel of God’s gift to man is the mind. The mind is a lense through which the self sees the world. It can be a mirror to see one’s self though the image you see might be distorted. No one can have the absolute freedom because no one can dictate how others live. No one person can have complete control of the dynamics within a society. However, there is a place where a person can reign supreme. There is a place where a person is king. That place is the mind.
Reigning supreme, a slave’s life
I might be bound to the king in a contract. He can decide what I must do, what I must wear and what I must not do. He decides whether I had to haul stones up the hill, crack boulders into columns using only the heat, water and wooden levers. I will be asked to toil under the burning sun for him.
I am a slave. There is no escape for me. If I complain, I will be beaten to death. I see the faces of my fellow slaves, pinched and strained with anger and frustration. I see men fought under the hot sun, the stress of hard labour and heat getting to them. They end up with a bloody face and swollen eyes yet, they still have to haul rocks and break boulders. I see men wrestling with the guards, spitting and shouting to the heavens. No use. They still have to labour under the watchful eyes of the guard. I see men growing old with bitterness in their eyes, no longer smiling for their fellow men. Young men hunched with defeat, lost of dignity making them older than their years. Yelling, thrashing and spitting were greeted with a boot to the head and to the stomach. I can be one of these men.
Let the king decide what I should do but I will never lose my dignity. My mind is a place where the king shall never reach me. As I toil under the sun, I would do so with dignity. I watch myself as I work, learning the best way to heave rocks onto my back. Instead of letting my eyes be blurred with anger, I look at the surface of the boulders finding a crack. I learn how to find that natural line that will break easy. I would never let the guards beat submission into me, and I would always keep my eyes open. I will do my master’s bidding, exerting my physical self. I would not exert my mental self by being angry and swallow the bitterness that will frustrate me and slowly eat up my soul. My mental self will tend to my observations, will tend to myself where I am learning. I will work as a mason not as a slave. Someday when any opportunity comes, I will be there to seize it because my mind and body have been ready.
I reign supreme in my own mind. I might be cursed with a slave’s fate but I would never let my own mind imprison me. And I would never let anyone take it away from me. I would never think like a slave.
Your tabula…
Colour your own tabula. Engrave the patterns and shapes that you want.
A/N: Didn’t know how this got so long. I guess I’m just pretty upset about uncivilised people (think people cutting Qs, berebut utk register tutorials and people who tolak2 org lain dlm Q, and people who can’t afford an ounce of courtesy for other people). And then, being upset wouldn’t really help things get better. I’m just writing this because it’s been niggling me at the back of my mind. So, this is it. I don’t know what conclusion that people could make from this entry but I hope that people would realise thet there IS hope for uncivilised people out there. We all just need a little change in perspective, that’s all. Maybe civilisation can finally be ours.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)